Happy Birthday To Me!!!

That's right. Another year older and supposedly another year wiser? Not sure about that today, check with me tomorrow. I thought I would dedicate this post to me. That's right...No babies. Just all about glorious me. I'm sure everyone is dying to hear about how I'm doing these days, right?

It's been one heck of a crazy year. This time last year I had just had an awful week. The reproductive endocrinologist had called off a cycle because I had an overreaction to the meds. I remember being heartbroken and really down about this. My whole infertility trip had been one step forward and two steps back. Little did I know that in about six weeks I would be pregnant. I had a terrible week at work. I had failed a student. It was one of the toughest decisions I had made professionally. I had many sleepless nights over this decision, but in the end the decision was made for me. The funny thing is if she had spent half as much time treatment planning, completing assignments, and putting things in charts as she did on revenge she would have been one of the best students I had ever had. Oh well, can't win them all can you?

Then I found out I was pregnant. Then I found out we were having triplets. Such a mix of emotions. I can say my fear outweighed my happiness at times. But we got through it and accepted that this was the path we were meant to take. This was a special thing given to us because we could handle it...and handle it we did. Looking back now I can still feel all of those emotions. Fear of the unknown. I was worried the babies would have complications, I was worried about the logistics of raising 3 kids, I was worried about quitting my job, and I was worried about how my body would handle it all.

I made it through it all. Quitting my much-loved job. Saying goodbye to the career I had worked so hard for, knowing that this was just a momentary pause and that I would be back someday. I got bigger by the second, I swear. We quickly finished renovations on our current house. We bought a new house. We moved. We had baby showers. It got harder and harder to get around. I became increasingly uncomfortable. Hip pain, ass pain, back pain, side pain, etc. You just can't be pregnant with three babies without experiencing a little discomfort.

Why, yes...that is one hell of a belly.

Then came the fateful day when I landed myself in the hospital. A month on bedrest spent in one bed. I honestly don't know how I did it, looking back. Actually I do, I had a lot of people praying for me. I know in my heart that gave me a peace to just grin and bear it because it really, really, really sucked. They were almost here twice and the process of keeping them in almost killed me. Then they were here...and they were perfect.

Less than an hour before delivery...Looking good! This is what 213 lbs looks like...

I had pregnancy induced hypertension which turned itself into pre-eclampsia. I had high blood pressure and they had to put me on meds. The meds were pretty tough. There wasn't a moment at the end that I didn't hear my heart beating LOUDLY in my ears. I snored. My nose was so stuffed up I had to wear breathe-right strips and stuff Kleenexes of Vick's Vapor Rub up my nose. I watched my feet and legs swell to epic proportions. I had pitting edema. I gained 95 lbs. The day I delivered I weighed a whopping 213 lbs. I weighed more than Brian. I stopped peeing. The babies came because my kidneys just stopped working right. I did not, however, get stretch marks.

The first time I held my little girl...





Then came the NICU stay, the c-section recovery, and we were home bound with 3 babies. I lost 55 lbs just with delivery. I still have 15 to go. We had no idea what to do. I still have no idea how we didn't break them, but we didn't. Today they are happy, fat, healthy little munchkins whose smiles light up the room. I have been blessed beyond my wildest imagination and cannot believe how lucky we are.

I am a Mom now. I am a stay-at-home Mom. I have no idea what I am doing. I'm winging it. I'm a little tired at times and Brian would tell you I get a little grumpy. I feel a little lost as to who I am now because all of this is new. I don't deal well with change, I'm a happy status quo kind of girl. My life has been riddled with nothing but change and I've had to learn how to handle it. Sink or swim. I kind of do a doggy paddle sometimes.

I am all about positive reinforcement. Good jobs, thank-yous, and recognition for my accomplishments. I was successful in school, met my professional goals yearly, and loved to take on lots of added responsibilities. I got raises and promotions. I was respected by my peers.

I'm noticing quickly that these darn babies haven't said thank you once for the fact that I get up in the middle of the night and feed them. The nerve. I'm worried that I see a pattern developing here. They just expect me to do all of these things without getting anything in return? No pats on the back? Wait a minute...this is simply not how I work. I need recognition for all of my good deeds. Huh.

I'm also noticing that my heart is more full of love each day. Just looking at those sweet chubby faces can bring me to tears. They are amazing in every way. They are pure perfection. I am the luckiest person in the world to spend each and every day with them. We play, they smile, I sing, and they look at me like I am the best thing in the whole world. I guess I'll count that as my positive reinforcement!

This is the most important job I will ever have. I REALLY want to be good at this. I want more than anything to raise children who are self-assured, happy, smart, and have a sense of humour. All the while keeping mine...and keeping my sanity. There are about 10,000 different books on how to do that, and I'll probably attempt to read about half during their childhood. Of course, real idiots have raised successful kids. I'm not an idiot. Surely if I go about this as I have other endeavors I will have some moments of clarity and direction along the way. I know I will have a lot of caffeine anyway. Maybe I'll have some sort of stimulant-induced epiphany?

Me and my boys...

So here's to a new chapter. This is so different. I'm a little scared sometimes. I'm sure I'm feeling the same emotions that many Moms have over the years. It's a completely different way to look at myself. Don't worry, I'll get it. I haven't outright failed at anything yet. Oh dear, I guess there's always a first time. I hope Brian has patience with my moodiness. It stems from my attempts to overcome my self-doubts. That's a new feeling for me, you know. I've always been pretty sure about myself. Pretty sure about what I'm doing and why. Not so much now. I hope he doesn't lose faith in me and wonder if I have any idea at all what I'm doing. More than any other time in my life I need him to be the one to give me the thank yous, the pats on the back, and the recognition I need. Don't worry, though...I will be training these kids to tell me how wonderful I am!

Do you think they are discussing a raise?


As I sit here on the eve of my 32nd birthday I've decided to make a few professional goals for myself for the next year. Some goals to set my sites on that don't have anything to do with sleep schedules, weight loss, or crying. Sorry for not sharing right now. In case I don't accomplish them I don't want anyone knowing. Sad but true.

"Help...she has no idea what she's doing!"